Following on from Part 3.

He what? He wants to get back together? Far out! I honesty didn’t see that coming, and just at the time when I was getting used to the thought that we would not be together again, he lands this on me. I loved it, in that it gave me a sense of being in control, having the choice, feeling like someone again wanted to be with me… that after all the apparent “excitement” of fooling around, he wanted me back.  

I was 18 and I still had feelings for Vic and in my surprised state, agreed to be his boyfriend again. I felt that great feeling of being connected again, it was now just me and him. I didn’t have to worry about the jealousy I used to have when I knew he was with other guys, we were together.

As a side note, I went to a camp called “Soul Surviour” the weekend just been and in one of the talks, the guy mentioned that a massive survey in the UK found that people reported being in a committed married relationship actually made them happier, had better sex (women had more orgasms) etc, compared with those who were having one night stands, multiple partners and just fooling around which many people think brings greater happiness and sexual fulfillment. It obviously helps to confirm the way God intended relationships/marriage according to his Word brings out the best for people.

Anyway I was trying to tie this up with my story… While a gay relationship is far from Gods way, the principle I found was that I was much happier, had better (you know) etc when I was in a committed relationship with Vic, I preferred just having one person than many.  I think it had to do with the combination of an emotional and physical connection, which just doesn’t happen with “one Night Stand” type get togethers.

Vic seemed just as “in love” with me if not more than before we broke up and for the next several months things went really well. We still occasionally went to the gay club for fun, but we knew who we were going home with.

A lot happened in between, the usual highs and lows of a relationship. I can’t think of anything specific to elaborate on that is relevant, he moved house a couple of times, I continued to drive to his City each Friday night, met new people occasionally in his city, went on a couple of trips. All was well. I was still in Love and Lust.

Now most of my teenage years I had like many a problem with Acne which I absolutely despised, and it reigned in my thoughts a lot. I would try anything to decrease it and since now I had money and was18 still plagued by acne to a degree, I turned into a health freak, eating really healthily, going to the gym after work to maintain my slim body and to hopefully (and mainly) help my skin to become perfect…. My vanity was increasing…. I was buying multitude of vitamin pills and the like in an attempt to rid myself this wretched annoyance. I wanted to make myself feel better about myself and it came a bit of an obsession.

I will quickly just say that, I was definitely not a Christian as I said to myself and those who knew I was gay, because I can’t be in a gay relationship and be Christian at the same time, I had made a choice. As I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs, my understanding of Christianity was about being good and to be honest I never really thought too much about God I almost tried to ignore the subject altogether. Out of sight out of mind, I was happy in my little world.

Well my little world was about to come crashing down. Vic was working in my city for a couple of days (I think) and he ended up staying with me (in separate beds) at my parents’ place where I was still living throughout the week. Their had been a bit of distance between us for the previous couple of weeks, however he comes back to my place with his hair died ultra yellow (ok wasn’t expecting that), he was in the mood for change obviously…We were sitting on the bed together he says to me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.. he says and I quote “It’s not you… Its me” (I’m thinking, don’t give me that Crap) I said to him, “what does that even mean?”

He had some pathetic excuse, and I can’t even remember what it was, I enquired about the possibility of getting back together (he said it was possible, but not to hold out). It was the beginning of the end of my relationship which all in all ended up lasting just shy of 2 years. I was not too far off turning 20.

I might call my next post…. “The Depression”.

Randon Song Quote……. From Grease is the Word (lol).

This is a life of illusion
Wrapped up in trouble
Laced with confusion
What are we doing?

So it was the beginning of something exciting, it felt right and wrong at the same time being with another guy, and while I wasn’t really going to church anymore I was still part of it to a small degree. I was mastering the act of living the double life, appearing to be good and “Christian” while actively seeking to further my relationship with Vic.

Mike (the guy who used to be my friend), became angry and jealous of the relationship I had with his now old flatmate, that he phoned my Dad and said something like “Do you know your son is Gay”, apparently Dad probably slightly taken aback replied “Go bite your bum”…. (That cracks me up). After that phone call, the next day Mum told me what happened and sort of asked if I was gay (but not in a direct way, and in a way that she assumes I wasn’t), I was surprising really calm when she asked and I laughed off the concept and made some excuse why Mike would have said that.

From then on I never really saw Mike around just every now and then, because we still did live in the same town.

One negative impact of the relationship I had was I was so “In love” or “In Lust” with Vic, that I didn’t and couldn’t spend time studying for the final couple of months of High School, and I ended up only just passing. But once the exams were over, I was thrilled at the concept of spending more time with him. The relationship continued full of lust and love (I think – maybe the two get confused?) we said to each other we would be together forever, his new flatmates kept saying I should tell my parents if we were gonna take it further, because he had already told his parents who were not very impressed and his Father said he would disown him.

I decided not to go to University at first and instead work for a while to get some money, however the real reason I wanted to work was to stay around Vic. I applied for an office position at a local company and got it (that was exciting, the first real job I applied for and got it!) and I was to start in January of 2001. Vic who was a “Tyre Technician” (basically fitted and sold tyres and that kind of stuff) however was asked to transfer to another City and he accepted. WHAT!!!!!

Ok the City is only about 45mins – 1 hour away, but I had no car, I had no money…….. Did he still love me?, Did he have to take this position?....... I was sad and the day came when he left, and I felt empty, alone, depressed, I think he said he still wanted to be together and told me not to be sad as he drove away. He left around the same time I got my job, which was probably a good distraction for me….. however I still could not get him off my mind. We kept in contact via text etc but it wasn’t the same as being with him.

Ok so with my first pay packet, I’m frantically searching car yards and the internet for my desired car, preferably a sports car. So a $10,000 loan later and convincing Mum and Dad I am responsible enough for a loan I end up with a nice Honda Prelude VTIR I found on the internet and Mum took me up to pick up from a City 4 hours away.

Oh yeah, I was excited to have my very own car, and a nice one at that. The following day when we headed back home, you can guess where I went travelling straight away! To see Vic.

This is probably a good place to stop before starting “Part 3”… man this is taking longer than I thought to write.

Cheers

Hayden

Well I thought I should start my first official blog, since it has almost been a week since I have joined.

First of all I want to thank you for the awesome welcome I have received since joining, as from what I have seen it is like a big extended family where people genuinely care, plus is a good place to help people vent, expose, share without a nasty backlash.

Ok, so I will briefly introduce myself and start with a bit of my background.

Hayden is my name, I have just turned 26 and from a great place called New Zealand. I play Tennis, I have been attempting snowboarding the past couple of years and occasionally wakeboarding when my brother in law needs another person on the boat. (I am actually quite useless for the amount of practice I have had, must come down to confidence issues).

I had a pretty good life as a child, I consider it a Christian upbringing as my Mum would always take us to Church each Sunday, however Dad was always stayed at home, so while I probably never thought about it too much at the time, looking back assume he wasn’t a Christian. Growing up in the Church I went to Sunday School, Youth group and generally had a good time. However my perception of Christianity when I was young to when I was even in my late teens was really about “being good” and then you can go to heaven. I heard about Jesus, the cross, Christmas etc, however to be honest I never really understood what it was all about, probably because I didn’t care, so didn’t listen and take it in. (Or maybe I was blind).

My SSA started around the age of puberty, 12 or 13ish when I would start fantasizing about guys in my class. I was probably bi-sexual when this started happening because I was still partly turned on by girls as well, however over time I became completely gay. Boy did P.E get me excited in the changing rooms; however I had to be careful not to get too excited if you know what I mean.

Obviously Public school had its highs and lows, I was/am generally a shy person around people I didn’t know and never the popular kid, but survived alright and usually had a small group of friends to hang around with.

While I was gay, I never told anyone and to a point probably never admitted it to myself. However I enjoyed fantasizing about guys at School or youth group, became jealous if they got girlfriends, was sad that I could never go further with these guys and came to the conclusion that I probably never would be close to a guy sexually.

Masturbation was something I would always do since I was reasonably young and I didn’t need internet porn, because it was all in my head where my mind would record and remember anything that would even remotely turn me on. When we got dial up internet at home I was probably 16-17ish and I found an easier stimulation, however dial up (which was the only option at the time) restricted me to pictures which was more than enough.

I would always feel stink after the act, and deluded myself into thinking I would only look at the pictures and have enough control not to do the deed. I assumed at the time that looking was ok; the sin was only in the action.

The unexpected happened when I was 17 nearing the end of my last year at High School (for those in the US, High School I think is the equivalent of College for you?), I ended up in a relationship with a guy who was two years older…. However that is another story in itself and I have already ranted on for long enough and will have to wait for another blog to continue.

I have basically briefly skipped over my some of my past to give a brief outline and may expand on areas another time. Sorry if it appears all over the place, but feel free to ask any questions.

Cheers

Hayden